Nothing To Hide

I was told that I had to strive to be perfect

No one would want me if I had a defect

I worked so hard to be what others wanted

But sparkle too much they say that you flaunt it

The line is thin between insecure and self esteem

You can make yourself crazy to be someone's dream

Nothing is perfect, it's in nature's laws

I am who I am, with all of my flaws

I'm done trying to be someone I'm not

Time was lost in that trap I was caught

I still have moments when I am insecure

My doubts overtake me and I'm not that sure

Being vulnerable and open is the key

To find one who wants me when I'm me

SO read all your sonnets with hearts and flowers

Cast your spells, wear charms with  powers

Maybe you'll stay in the life of delusion

Because that kind of stuff is only illusion

The kind that lasts long is ugly and rough

And sometimes you want to scream, "ENOUGH!"

On days when body or brain is too sick

Beside me you are and with me you stick

When I am defeated and running away

I never go far because I know you will stay

You know I'm not perfect but perfect for you

There isn't anything special that I had to do

But why am I floating up with the stars?

I am exposed to you with all of my scars

Wide eyed and shivering, a scared little rabbit

I'd run away, but you wouldn't have it

Through years and miles you stayed at my side

I belong to you, I have nothing to hide

Whispers

 My lover the wind teases me with soft caresses.

Seducing me with whispers of a forgotten tongue.

Connected to all, she brings me messages 

From far away and times long gone.

I find stillness in the motion

I find flight while on the ground

Swimming in an ethereal ocean 

Wrapped in a cloud, the stars are my crown.

Inhaling her essence, I become one

My soul is not sole, I am part of the whole 

Sharing our secrets away from the sun

Ancient and hidden the tales untold

The language of zephyrs

The songs of chinook 

Sharing lessons of forever

Yet using no book 

Singing altogether in layered harmony

The owl, the howl, the croak, the chirp

In the deep of the night I can just be

Alone and at one with the wind and the earth

Lunar Power

Tonight I stood under the moon,

I breathed the air of what's coming soon

The pieces of my broken dreams

Were mended by her silver beams

And when I felt I couldn't cope

I'm filled again with good hope

The moon with power over the tide

has changed the pull from inside

And in her muted light I see

the power that belongs to me.

Let go the pain that I feel

And now I may begin to heal

Tonight I share the moon above

so we can bathe in her love.

But magick just doesn't brew

only when the moon is blue

You should bask in her every night

Come glow in her cooling light

Feel the peace of her touch

aid you to accomplish much

Then the magick will begin

when you realize it's from within!

(c) Pamela McAfee 9/1/2012

Catch The Magick

 Wishing I could console a friend,

wishing I could make amends,

wishing I could find solace...

Wishing I could have one kiss.

As I think of being alone,

sitting here on my own.

I will remember we share the stars.

We catch the magick and make it ours.

Life is what happens

 Life is what happens:

At 3 in the morning my mind won't relax

My thoughts race amok in my mind on one track

Caught in the headlights of my future so bright

I'm paralyzed and won't move, frozen in fright.

Day in and day out, stuck in routine,

strolling the halls of, "what might have been."

I can see the promise of what lies in store

If only I had courage to walk out my door.

So safe in my room each day I hide,

trying to learn to take it in stride

Because, life is what happens without our consent

Time has no conscience, it doesn't relent.

I sift through the bullshit to find what is real

The currency that matters is one you can't steal.

At 3 in the morning, I'm anywhere but here

I'm lost in the night, dancing with fear.

Life isn't happening, it's caught in stasis.

I shouldn't be here, I know where my place is.

(c) Pamela McAfee 5/17/2013 (at 3 in the morning)

My Secret Smile

 A Samhain Time From Long Ago:

So many years ago when Saturn returned,

Who knew the lessons yet unlearned?

We were adrift in a sea of friends that night

Sailing in our darkness, we somehow felt the light

That attracts two lost and kindred souls

To safety amongst the rocks and shoals

Each day I lost more of my heart

On this path I did not chart

And you were hard like cold dark steel

whose secret chinks would not reveal

That you were one who did feel pain

and I was one who could be strong again.

In my arms you could yield

My caring heart would be your shield

I gave you my shoulder, you lent me your hand

And gave me strength so I could stand.

You know I loved you, your bad boy style!

You remain my secret smile.

And though our paths one day did part

You took with you a piece of my heart

You brought me music, you brought me thrills

You took me from a life that kills

the dreams of those like you and me

You changed my life, you set me free

Now you are gone and I still live

This Samhain maybe I'll forgive

My shield was not there to spare

but I hope you know that I did care

I couldn't take away your pain

If I could hold you once again

I would tell you there is hope

Even when you cannot cope

Words are empty when they fall

on your ears if I can't call

Maybe you thought you went alone

But you took a piece of my heart that you own

I hope it's so you will know me when we meet again

We always promised that we'd still be friends

This is not over...

Feast Of Fools

A fool's journey starts
When one stops.
Circles have no end.

The Pain I Cannot Share

"Happy Mother's Day," they say.

When I Was Fourteen

At fourteen disco was all the rage on the radio
Saturdays spent skating, waiting for the songs that are slow.
All week I'd dream in my room that he'd ask for me that night.
My heart would race, my throat went dry when he was in my sight.
Much care was taken to choose the jeans and shirt  that I'd wear.
Kristi had the look I'd want, I copied her feathered hair.
Eyelids blue, lips shining glossy, tasting of sweet cherry.
Conscripted in conforming style but not ordinary.
To be popular you had to look like everyone else.
Struggling in a time when you are trying to find yourself.
So much energy spent to only be part of the herd.
Thinking of being fourteen now I can see how absurd
I acted to fit in with people who stayed stuck in ruts
In truth, I was never like them, they all think I am nuts.
That guy I hoped would ask me out, turns out that he is gay.
He's been my close friend and confidant since we broke away.
At fourteen all you want to do is to find acceptance.
You strive hard for approval from every acquaintance.
Dear fourteen year old me, you are perfect at being you.
Accept yourself and your flaws and live a life that's true

Hippocrickets

I'm not like you.
My eyes are brown, not blue
Years ago I broke my brain,
I'll never be the same again.
You cannot see the scars I bear.
And when I hurt, you just don't care.
You seem to think we are the same.
So when I'm sick, you'd rather blame...
me

Me...
You say I should get over it!
My square peg will never fit.
It took me years to accept this fact
It's who I am.  It's not an act.

You...
You say you care about my plight
You who claim I have a right
A right to be just like you.
Yeah, you really have no clue!

We...
We the people you wish to lead
hear your words and lack of deeds.
Pave our roads with your intentions
While attending your conventions

You are broken yet you don't know
But quick to point your finger, though!
Please quit trying to fix me
Fix yourself first, let me be!

Abstract Quantification

How does one measure yet another year?
It's not like a mile which is far or is near.
I went no great distance, I am still here.
Yet much has changed, that is very clear.
Time is not measured like we do sound.
It's not a like a shape that is square or is round.
Time marches on, its little feet pound,
Forward we move to a destination unfound.
The year is a wheel, they say my friend.
Ever a circle, no beginning or end.
And on this journey this currency we spend
one cannot save,borrow or lend.
How does one measure what cannot be seen?
It has no up, down, under, or between.
Time rules us all like no king or queen.
So savor each second for the pleasure you glean.
For when your time is up all that is left is what's done
So better make it worth every minute of fun.
Know that for all time you will be the only one
who traveled your own path around the sun.

Picking Up

There is no sense to be made and no blame to be laid for one who chose to leave.
Shocked and stunned, you stumble along too confused to bereave.
You're left searching clues like yesterday's news, it's done.
They went away and you're here to today to see the sun.

You say you want a revolution?

Uranus went retrograde on July 22nd. It will remain retrograde in Aries until Dec 22nd. Uranus is the planet that brings upheaval and revolution. Uranus shocks us out of complacency.
We have already seen this with the Ice Bucket Challenge. That sudden shock of cold water wakes us to hopefully do good.
We have seen it in Ferguson. Yes, there were all sorts of negative reports, but I am seeing folks coming together against that negativity and wanting to make genuinely good changes.
We have seen it with the shocking death of Robin Williams. One blogger likened his death to the death of JFK. Years from now we will still be talking about how it impacted us. His death has brought much needed awareness to depression, suicide, and even cyber trolls/bullying. The latter causing Twitter to re-examine its policies.
Aries is the boy scout, the hero, the knight in shining armor. Aries just wants to make everything right. Aries lacks finesse at times and the need to do right is wrapped tightly up in Aries' ego. It's is a *need* to do right more than a *want* to do right. Aries also has a tendency to get wrapped up in his ego. We see this coming out in the bias everyone has on the three issues I mentioned above. These upheavals are hitting us in our egos.
We must understand this and take it into account. Own your feelings but do not project them onto others. We all are experiencing and dealing with these upheavals in our own ways. I like to focus on the Aries overwhelming drive to do the right thing. That is what I hope prevails.
OH! Geeze, I forgot to mention the first indictment of a sitting State Governor in about 100 years. Oops! That will prove entertaining to say the least. Again, I hope the drive to do the right thing prevails now and through the elections up until the Solstice.
Hang on babies! The revolution(s) are here. Keep the faith, as LR says. Keep surfing through the changes is what I say. Uranus casts choppy waves and if you catch the right one, you'll be riding high! Weather through the lows, believe me... THINGS ARE GOING TO CHANGE!|
(c) Pamela McAfee 2014

A Sad Gay Bar

This is the "Gay Bar," we say in hushed tones.
It's on the other side of the tracks, everybody knows.
The parking lot is filled with broken bottles
A dangerous sparkle for a lot so mottled
Country music leaks out the cracks of the walls
Redneck homos?  Yeah, it's Wichita Falls!
Crossing the veil we exit the night.
Immersed in stale smoke and not enough light.
I shuffle in across the sticky floor. 
Regulars' heads lift towards the door.
It has been years since anyone cares.
Down turned faces and blank eyed stares
The melancholy presses me down on a stool.
But I won't stay long, I won't be fooled
You'll find there is no fairy wishing star
Only loneliness in the sad gay bar.



 

Bittersweet

Bittersweet Incomplete, 
I am tortured. 
The aching longing saturates my every fiber. 
Delicious misery intoxicates. 
Because to hurt like this means
I know bliss.

A Matter of Elimination

Please check the toilet in the bathroom
Make sure it isn't running.
For it has tried to escape twice
A fixture filled with cunning.

Moon over a window with breezy detachment (A Vogon love poem)

I recall your face pressed against the glass
Then it was gone, replaced by ass.
Round and white, a work of art.
Would have been perfect, except for the fart.
Glimmering, tumbling, went the pane.
Sound of a glass breaking refrain
in chorus with a baritone like Richard Burtons
Fluttered in the wind with gauzy curtains.
Lo, tonight's the winter of our discontent
And the moon over a window with breezy detachment

Crazy Cat Lady

Cats are fickle lovers
Attack your feet under covers
Purr and rub you with their face
Then runaway to find some space
Lonely lady who has been spurned
Finds love's not given but must be earned.
She rejects man's best friend,
for his love one day will end.

Zero Resistance to Inertia

He's the low man on the pole
digging his way out of a hole.
He lacks charisma and is void of charm.
Just another drone in the cube farm.
Living in quiet desperation
treading water in stagnation.
He wears his staleness like a shroud.
A nameless face in the crowd.
Bathes each night in self pity
How'd his life get so shitty?
He plans each day his escape
Live his life. Shed the crepe!
The look on his boss' face
when he finally leaves this place!
But he wonders where to go
Can't upset the status quo
His lot in life, to count the bean
And act his part of the machine.

Poetry Junkie

Some women want a man so hunky
But me, I am a poetry junkie.
Write to me about my kiss
so I can get my needed fix.
Oh, the high of good rhyme
Smoke, or snort, or mainline.
Write to me about your affection
I need it now, you're my connection!